When To Walk Away
Kenny Rogers said it best. “You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em.” There are several areas in life when it is important to know when to walk away.
I don’t advocate bailing out at the first sign of pressure, boredom or conflict. Life is chock full of all these things. But it’s important to know your objectives, goals and limits in any situation, then honor them when it feels the time is truly right to do so.
Let’s examine a few areas where walking away may be appropriate:
1) BUSINESS – As a long-time freelance Advertising Design Specialist, I’ll be the first to admit that I have a hard time turning work away. It’s often feast or famine for freelancers, and the next job is almost always welcome, especially in this economy.
However, sometimes taking on everything that comes up just compounds stress, creating an unhealthy life-work balance which is important to maintain for optimal wellness.
A recent opportunity came up for me to do a large volume of ongoing Photoshop work. The client had big ideas and an interesting product but he also seemed a little bit…well, nutty.
I suspected I would have trouble getting paid on time, not to mention that the payment-per-image he was offering was well below my comfortable work rate.
Initially, I was excited about the opportunity. Then I crunched the numbers, considered the commitment, honored my intuition and turned down the gig.
I walked away.
This can also apply to company employees. How many of you have jobs that may have offered exciting challenge and opportunity at one time, but have since become an exercise in routine boredom and mechanical motions?
Now is the time to reboot your resume and power up your networking. Sure, the economy is currently wheezing along, but it WILL pick up steam.
The question is: when the economy does open up, will you be poised to take advantage of it and leverage your skills, experience and enthusiasm into a challenging new position? Or not?
2) ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS - How many things do you partake in that do not truly serve your well-being?
For almost half my life, I was on the nonstop party bus. Like many Americans, I was lost in a smoky haze of cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol and stuffing my face with garbage like McDonald’s, Doritos and Mountain Dew.
Nowadays, I’m a straight-edge vegan into fitness and yoga whose idea of a great Friday night is hanging out at the gym.
How did I make the change? First, I realized that all the garbage I was poisoning my body and mind with no longer served me. Then, I targeted the offending toxins one-by-one and summoned the strength to walk away from each.
It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was hellacious. I was terrified of having to face reality without the comfortable crutch of my weed-addled perspective.
But a healthy lifestyle is far more rewarding than the false illusions and damaging effects of our toxic, guilty pleasures.
YOUR TURN:
What habit would you like to walk away from? Can you do it yourself, or do you need the help of a outside program? Who can you rally for your support team? What action steps can you take this week toward your new goals?
3) RELATIONSHIPS – I don’t know what has been more difficult, giving up toxic chemicals or toxic people! I’ve done both and neither is easy.
Life is all about growth and evolution. Whether we realize it or not, we are drawn to people in our lives who will aid us in our growth. There are many lessons in every relationship we have, be it platonic, romantic or familial.
Oddly enough, the most challenging relations offer the most opportunity for growth. However, there comes a point when you must ask, “How much is too much?”
A little friction is natural. Even conflict can be healthy. Expressed in a way that is not merely ego-based machismo or arrogant ignorance, conflict allows us to communicate our truths, express our beliefs and, hopefully, realize that there are other points-of-view besides our own to be considered.
However, when friction and conflict cross the line into abuse, it is time to walk away.
Whether it’s mental, emotional or physical, there is no lesson or amount of growth that is worthy of enduring abuse.
In other cases, relationships simply run their course. We are all on our own individual paths. Occasionally, we’ll connect with others who are at a similar place on their journeys and we will move forward together. Learning, sharing, teaching, growing and connecting with friends and loved ones can offer the most rewarding gifts available.
Over time, it may become apparent that growth is occurring at different paces. Values and goals may be changing and relationships that were once inspiring, exciting and educational become stagnant, draining and frustrating.
That may be an opportune time for reflection, assessment and discussion. Just as our paths converge with a wealth of people throughout our lifetimes, they also diverge with many of those same people.
There’s usually a fear-based reaction to walking away from people, habits and responsibilities. This often prevents us from doing so – even if it’s clearly in our best interest. That is your Survival Mechanism, which thrives on comfort and security, warning you not to “rock the boat”.
But, looking back at the history of your life, I’m willing to bet that every time you made the conscious decision and effort to walk away from something that no longer served you, something better came along in due time.
By relying more on your evolved, intuitive self instead of your fear-based, rational mind, your intuition becomes more acute, thus becoming easier to know when something isn’t serving you.
This trust gives you the courage to take action when it’s time to walk away.
YOUR TURN:
Is there anyone is your life right now who feels “toxic” to your well-being? Can you accept them for who they are, knowing that they are on their own path of growth? Or, is it necessary to diverge paths? What would it take to be able to walk away without leaving a messy aftermath? What plans and action steps can you take to move toward that reality?
Welcome to Nikolas Allen Art dot com. I am a Contemporary Pop Artist with a background in music, advertising and video production. 
Comments
A standout college professor kept hammering the idea that “comfort is your enemy” into my brain.
Sometimes – even it’s uncomfortable – you make choices and change your life dramatically.
Gotta do it, or you end up in a prison of your own making.
Great article.
>> Tom - So true!
Thank goodness for those occasional standout professors. I’ve been lucky enough to have had a few in my time as well.
Thanks for the feedback.
I ‘ve had a few people who’s lives became too negative. Being another person’s garbage dump is awful. The way to leave it without aftermath is to politely request that they not make negative comments about certain topics ( the chronic complaints). Both people were confused at first. After a few months of me reminding them that the negative aspects of certain topics were not interesting to me, they got off my path. Hopefully, they have since found the clearing in the dark forest to get a little light in their lives.
PS…eliminating the negative energy leaves room for more positive folks and events…yay!
>> Christine - Isn’t it amazing that people are shocked when you call them on their complaining? As if it is your responsibility to be their dumping ground. Glad you found the courage to speak up.
Some people just want an ear to listen more than they want advice. That’s okay to an extent, but it’s tough to gauge when to listen, when to advise and when to cut them off! With a little intuition and compassion, one can determine the right action at the right time.
Sounds like you did, so well done! Bring on that positive energy!
I completely agree that when one decides that another is toxic to their life, that person should be jettisoned. However, some people are so afraid of growing through conflict, that they dump even long-term relationships when there is any sign of trouble.
Relationships take work. And some people never develop the skills to grow through challenges in their relationships. In one case I know, the person still has not dealt with the trauma of her parent’s less-than-perfect marriage. Her folks ended up divorcing, at her encouragement, when she was in her early teens. She has used this as a model for resolving any conflict in her life–repeatedly running scared while proclaiming the other to be the only one at fault.
In one case she cut off her best long term childhood friend over something that proved not to be true. Later when she was shown that her reasons for cutting off her former best friend were based on misunderstanding, she still would not admit, even to herself, that she had made a mistake. Her pride and ego stood in the way of personal growth. Self delusion can be quite seductive, allowing the practitioner to consider themselves wise, resulting in an endless cycle of delusion not unlike the cycle of addiction.
OTOH, I also have seen many women who seek out abusive partners whose actions confirm their own sense of self-loathing. While all around her people ask, “why does she put up with that creep?” she sees herself as getting what she deserves. This is extremely disturbing to witness.
Well said! Great advice. Love the new site. Happy fall!
Nikolas! Great article. I’ve practiced much of this already and still have more progress to make. I have to say that eliminating as many toxins as I can has only been GOOD for me and my outlook! Thanks for the simple yet easy-to-forget reminders
Bein here now~ AV
All of the above so elequently put
Living in the present is definitely the way. However, even Mr. Tolle acknowledges in his writing that ignoring trends and repeated cowardice are just other methods for the ego to control one’s life. Many people fail to see what others find obvious, due to their ego’s need to feel in control. In this case, that manifests in continued childish disposal of relationships that the ego cannot completely control. The ego goes as far as convincing the person that living in the present means running from any challenge that would enable growth, and never admitting they might be mistaken. Consequently, the person continues on their path of egoic-controlled thought, while thinking they are doing the opposite.
>> GuitarBird - While it IS disturbing to witness (and easy to spot) the habits, faults and mistakes in others, we are only responsible for correcting, improving and growing through the faults we discover (not as easily) in ourselves.
Send your friend love, forgiveness and strength, knowing that we all are only doing the best we can with what we know. The good news is: the more experience each of us accumulates, the more wisdom each of us gains.
Eventually, with that wisdom, comes self-betterment at a pace that is perfect for the individual.
>> Emily - Great to hear from you! Thanks for the kind words & for taking the time to check out the site.
Hope all is well with you, Bix and the world of televised home remodeling!
>> Anne - Thanks for the feedback.
Happy to hear that my post resonates with you. Keep up that positive outlook!
>> Laura - Thank you for the comment. I appreciate you taking the time to visit my site. Hope you are well.
Nikolas– I have nothing but sympathy for her, as I used to handle friendship challenges in a similar way. With the viewpoint of an outsider, it is sometime easier to see recurring mistakes in another, especially when one has overcome similar obstacles to development. Even though several people have noticed her lack of courage and commented on it, it is for her to change. So we just smile and wish her strength. As you point out, one can only change oneself, and hope that others will learn from their challenges.
Now in my recovery I know firsthand that people can change, and all relationships ebb and flow. Knowing when to walk away that takes practice. I have re-established relationships with some old friends that I abandoned in my using days because of various reasons, and terminated dead-end friendships with people I only knew as drinking or drugging companions. Best of all, forgiving people for past actions can lead to new blessings, even if the two people renew friendship on completely different terms.
Two recent examples I can note: I just gave notice to my housemate of 9 months that he must move out. I viewed dealing with his OCD problems as a lesson in tolerance. I thought having an optimist like me around would help him to overcome his cynicism. But he does not want to change, and damaging my personal property and breaking a locked door are not something I will tolerate in my home. So out he goes, and no regrets. Even his sponsor agrees with me.
OTOH, I recently forgave a former AA friend who had lied to me and abused my generosity, because he had the balls to sincerely make amends for his actions. SInce we have so many mutual friends, this makes everyone more comfortable. And seeing this man grow as a person is wonderful.
Great topic, Nikolas! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Loving the present, GB
>> GuitarBird - You bring up a great point that I didn’t even consider in my original post: Forgiveness can lead to new blessings and renewed friendship.
To accept that people CAN change and to ALLOW certain relationships to ebb and flow (when true change has occurred) is a great realization!
Thank you for sharing your valuable insight and experiences on both sides of this subject. It’s certainly a tricky topic and needs to be considered carefully when applying it one’s own life.
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